Day 148: An outburst of Anger Pattern part 3

So many moments of Anger, attempting to "stand up" for abuse being done to others, but doing so from a starting point of Anger energy. I take self-responsibility to change this about myself -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a pre-programmed pattern of bursting out in Anger towards other people that are being ignorant and abusive towards others in a certain moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to justify this outburst of anger pattern, based on the fact that what the other person/persons are doing is ignorant towards others . I realise that blaming others for my own internal experience is never acceptable, because I am always the directive principle of myself, of what I allow and do not allow, so in reality there is no justification for this pattern to exist -
So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my own experience of myself in a certain moment, I realise that blaming others is ego and is only indicating that I am not taking responsibility for my own world and my reality.

I forgive myself that i have not trained myself more effectively through the years, with the self-corrective action of breathing in moments where the outburst of Anger pattern is about to engage. I realise that if I had taken consistent effective action earlier in my life, then consequences would not be as bad as they have become now.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments, that while it is important to call peoples ignorance and bullshit out when it is being abusive to others, doing so from a starting point of Anger is not effective, and will and in my experience always just ends up causing a situation of conflict because the person/persons become offended by my Anger reaction.

I forgive myself that as this Anger pattern in the moment, I am so consumed by this Anger at this person, that attempting to provide direction that's best for all to the situation becomes impossible, as my only focus is on offending them and destroying their world of ignorance that they are accepting and imposing on others, which is of course highlighting the ignorance of myself in allowing myself to be directed by thoughts and the energy that comes from these thoughts.


I forgive myself that I have not realised until recently, that the physical consequences of accepting this outburst of Anger pattern consistently throughout my process, for example: eyes bulging, veins protruding, body shaking etc have been intensifying, which could have worsening consequences for my physical health, and will only continue to do so if I do not release this pattern effectively now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be the one to stand up for others weaker then me in situations, and that I must make sure that I make the attacker of the weak sorry for doing it. In reality I have since realised though, that it is only my responsibility to highlight the unacceptable abuse of others and attempt to provide direction if possible, but it is never my responsibility to attempt to punish the attackers, no matter what my mind is telling me in these moments I am not a combination of the Hulk and the Punisher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and feed into a self-belief that I am a hero, and that I am elevated in some way in these moments by protecting someone weaker and punishing the "wicked". This self-belief is nothing but my ego spiralling which is unacceptable, and I also realise that all humans have committed wicked acts in various moments, that is why we have a wicked world, so I realise that no matter how unacceptable another's persons actions are, they are not separate from me, we are still all one people, so I must attempt to direct this persons misunderstanding if possible as I would myself, not fight them.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments, that everyone has varying levels of education, and so allowing myself to outburst in Anger at a persons ignorance makes no sense, as I am judging them in comparison to my own understanding of reality in these moments. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect everyone to understand what I understand about how to treat others, I realise that there was once a time that I did not know what I know today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my level of education to everyone else in the world, where I expect people to know what I know, and then get angry at them if they don't, which is stupid and completely unacceptable, so it is best for all to stop this behaviour now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relive the first time I can remember bursting out in Anger at others when I was about 8, I realise that every time since then that I have accepted and allowed this Anger pattern, it has accumulated, intensified and added many layers to this pre-program, so I realise that this may take some time to train myself effectively to change this outburst of anger pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten people with my Anger outbursts  very much like the Marvel character Dr Banner/the Hulk, where the only focus is to warn them of the impending danger of doing something to make me angry, and how sorry they will be if they make me angry. This type of threatening/attempting to make people sorry behaviour is completely unacceptable - So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to emotionally manipulate others with fear based threats of my impending Anger, and I realise that attempting to manipulate anyone with fear of my aggression is never acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments, that only destruction can come from being possessed by anger, there is no benefit to myself or anyone else in the world from me getting possessed by Anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am "venting" myself when I am getting angry, as if I am doing something "healthy", which is complete self-deception - so I forgive myself that I have been deceiving myself, I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments that no matter what my mind believes, when I am getting incredibly angry about something, I am not "venting myself" at all, in reality there is no actual release of anger that is happening, but only a further acceptance and crystallisation of the pre-program of Anger within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments, that the only type of Anger that is acceptable, is a practical controlled usage of anger, which is completely different to the pre-program of me getting incredibly angry on a very personal level.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist as this outburst of anger character any more, this character is only a detriment to myself and everyone in the world, so when and as I see thoughts coming up, I breathe and release and keep doing so until there is no more thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to be controlled by this outburst of  Anger pattern, so when and as I see myself beginning to have thoughts about engaging as this Anger outburst programme, I stop and breathe, I do not pursue these thoughts, I realise that nothing beneficial will come from my acceptance of Anger possession, so I breathe and continue to apply myself as breathe, until there is no more thoughts, and I can apply common sense.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to justify existing as this outburst of Anger pattern, I realise that there is no justification for existing as this character, so when and as I see myself attempting to justify a reason to engage as this outburst of Anger pattern, I stop, I breathe, I continue applying self-corrective application of breathing, until there is not more thoughts that come up in my mind.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to blame anyone or anything for my own internal experience in relation to Anger, I will not allow myself to blame anyone any more for my outbursts of Anger, this i will do through continuous self-honesty and the self-corrective application of breathing.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to judge others peoples education in comparison to my own, as a reason to get angry at their ignorance. I realise that we all have varying levels of understanding of reality, so when and as I see myself judging a persons lack of education, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to start interacting with judgemental back-chat, because I realise that this interaction will only end with me engaging as this outburst of anger pattern, which will not assist anyone, so I will just breathe until I am clear.

I commit myself to living the realisation, that it is only beneficial to get involved in a situation where abuse is being accepted by others, if I am completely stable while doing so, because it is only when I am stable as breathe, that I will be able to provide beneficial input into the situation. So when and as I see myself wanting to get involved in a situation, I stop and breathe, I check myself that I am stable before I get involved, so that I can apply common sense to come up with a beneficial solution for all in the situation.