Day 147: An outburst of Anger pattern part 2

Continuing from my last blog -
There is a few first memories I have, but from what I can recall the first time I can remember having an outburst of Anger in my life, was when I was about 7 years old. My mums boyfriend at the time was a bit of a criminal, and one day he told me to count up some of his money. Now I didn't like the guy particularly anyway because of some of his general behaviour, and because he would take up a lot of my mums time.

He was telling me to count some of the money up he had and put them into prefect piles on the floor, but all I wanted to do was play my game which was in its box in the corner, I remember that I kept looking at it while I was putting the money into piles.
With every coin I was placing in a pile, my anger was starting to build as I could hear him talking and laughing in the next room.
Then after a while of doing this, he came in and started whining about how I was arranging the money, I don't remember exactly what he was saying, but I think there was a threat about my game, or that I'm letting him and my mum down by not doing it correctly in  a lecturing way.
But at one point I just burst and screamed "fucking rubbish! I hate you! Just leave me alone!". I slashed my hands at the piles of coins, making loads of them fly across the room and hit the wall and random objects. I ran out the house, and as I was running down the road crying I remember hearing my mum in the background asking me to come back.
I was running really fast away from the house, I felt like I couldn't control myself, like I couldn't breathe, I hid in a bush crying, seething with anger, ripping up some of the bush I remember, then eventually the police found me and took me home.
I remember my mum apologising to me when I came home, she was hugging me crying saying sorry loads. And as she did this I remember something clicking in my head  - "oh ok, so I can influence people with my anger emotions to make them say sorry to me".

Ever since this event, the process of building and bursting out in anger on people started to ingrain within and as me. I started getting into more trouble at school after this, getting into more fights and arguments with teachers, as I was getting addicted to the energy of conflict and "making people sorry for offending me".

Then through the years, layers upon layers have been built up to where I am today, where I have existed as this pattern for far too long, Iv'e also noticed that the more difficult life events that I have dealt with and allowed myself to get stressed out about, then the more my mind attempts to justify and even look for reasons to burst out in anger about. So from an increase of stressful points, inevitably comes an increase of anger outbursts when one is not directing ourself in the moment every time. Then from that is like a self-belief that I'm just "venting myself", when really there is no real release that's happening,  no dealing with the real point, it is just further entrenching the pre-programme of bursting out in anger about something.
I'm now so experienced in bursting out in anger on people, the verbal/and or physical conflict that comes after it and how to make people sorry for offending me, that its very much like being Dr Banner/the hulk. Dr Banner is so used to the process of what happens when he gets angry, and how sorry people will be when he gets angry, that he always pre-threatens everyone before it happens "don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry". Then when he gets angry, a chemical is released into his bloodstream, he transforms into the hulk that just destroys everything around him.

Its interesting when we look at anger in the world, because the reality of the hulk is exactly the reality of allowing oneself to be possessed by anger in a moment. The hulk is literally what anger personified is like - anger possession has no practical function or benefit in the world other then fuelling destruction -- anger though like any emotion though can be utilised in certain scenarios to push and direct ourselves or others into beneficial action, as long as one is aware of what we are doing, able to breathe effectively and does not become possessed by this anger.
For example one time I went into a supermarket, I bought a chicken, but then when I got home my mum told me it was too small, as we were having a last minute guest for dinner, so we needed a bigger one.
I didn't have the receipt and when I went back to the supermarket, they told me I couldn't get a refund for the chicken without the receipt, I accepted this and went back to the car with my small chicken. Then I decided to go back in and injected some more anger in my explanation to the shop staff, and despite not having a receipt, they gave me a refund, which they would not have done if it wasn't for me utilising some anger.
Or for instance when a person gets angry for a moment about an injustice in the world, it can push a person to push themselves to make a beneficial difference to something in the their own life or the world.

But a pattern of bursting out uncontrollably, becoming possessed by anger is totally different to a practical usage of controlled anger, so join me in my next blog as I walk specific self-forgiveness/self-corrective statements.