Day 110: Why have i not been writing? Part 2 - "Its easier to just fade away."

So continuing from my last blog, i'm looking at another point as to why i have not been writing consistently in my process for the past few years. This point has existed within me for some time now, but it became more prominent within me in 2013 which in terms of how i experienced myself it was definitely an unlucky 13 lol. 2013 for me was the year that two of the most influential people in my life passed away, which had an emotionally intense effect on me.

When Bernard died in August of that year, i was incredibly sad like a lot of people were, and then i  allowed that sadness to stay with me, as me. I started to experience myself as heavy everyday, not wanting to fully participate in anything, my expression muted a lot, feeling depressed and frustrated in my mind, as a million thoughts come up - "how can the best of us be gone?", "what happened to him?", "someone has done this to him i know it", "there's still so much i want to talk with you about" etc.

Then while all these thoughts where spiralling around all day everyday, my grandfather Peter was becoming very ill, and also some things about his past work that effected the family negatively were coming out, all of which was compounding my depressed and frustrated experience at this time.

When Peter died in October, it was totally different to Bernard, my experience was both happy and sad, because i had some very mixed feelings about Peter at the point of his death, plus he was in a lot of pain, so it was best, but the event overall i just allowed to compound all the negative shit within me at this point. So after Peter died the idea that "its easier to fade away" was something i was just fully accepting.

So after this all the negative thoughts about Bernard were added to with negative thoughts about Peter, and i was getting more confused about life, believing that something was happening "to me" where - everyone that is close to me is disappearing from my life, so its easier to just accept that now and just do nothing, be a ghost that nobody sees instead. So i have literally been believing that everyone will fade away from my life, and then accepting that fading away belief as myself, creating it as an actual experience of myself where i allow myself to base everything in hopelessness.

Then i started to have fears that my mother would die soon after Bernard and Peter, and then maybe something will happen to my son too. I was struggling to sleep due to the amount of shit i was thinking about, and even when i was tired i didn't want to sleep as i was sometimes having strange nightmares. And overall in my life i have just been so used to thinking about death and disappearing within myself, trying to disappear within everything i do, to not be seen, to not move and just be silent as everything apparently "disappears from my life". Its time to stop this.

In the past few months of my life i have been realising all of these points as to why i haven't been writing, why i have been living in hopelessness, and i have been taking action to change. So there is lots to apply self-forgiveness on here, within this and my last blog so join me next weekend for that.