Day 89: Racism Reactions Part 2 Childhood Memories

So continuing from my last blog, I remember when I was about 10 years old in primary first school, I enjoyed playing football and I was on the school football team at the time. I remember one day during a lunch break that me and a load of other kids played a football game on the school field.

I noticed before the game started that there were two kids making jokes about starving kids in Africa, and that if you told an African starving kid if he scored 3 goals he would get free food that he would score 3 goals every game. They started laughing a lot about this joke and then started coining a phrase “run nigger nigger nigger nigger for your dinner dinner dinner dinner”.

This obviously made me uncomfortable during the game, as I was the only ethnic kid playing in this game of about 20 or so kids. And I remember that during the game these two kids were occasionally just saying this run nigger “joke” during the game while I was on the ball. My friend was occasionally telling me to ignore it, and we kept saying stuff back to the two kids like “shut up you fucking twats”, but as they kept saying it in intervals, after 20 minutes into the game I was starting to get really pissed off about it, just like this anger boiling up inside of me. 

And then I just snapped at one point and ran after one of the kids, screaming at him kicking and punching him when I got hold of him in an emotional barrage of rage. The teachers had to drag me off him, and I remember crying, being completely consumed by emotions, using every swear word I could think of as I was being pulled away, but also I remember feeling very satisfied and pleased with myself that I had burst out some aggression on one of these kids which obviously I was blaming for my internal reactive experience to their words. Both me and the two kids saying racist comments were given detention, but I was also given a suspension because I hurt the kid pretty badly, and I swore at the teacher dragging me off a lot as well.

My mum was called and I was allowed to go home for the day, and when I got home my mum gave me a hug and I remember crying again, I was so upset that football the game that I enjoyed playing so much turned into me getting suspended. Then I remember going into a long rant with my mum about how I really wished I could just remove my darker skin and just have white skin like all the other kids. 

 I can even remember saying to my mum that I want to have skin surgery like Michael Jackson or if not then maybe I should kill myself. My mum was obviously massively concerned by this, and we started talking more often on a “deeper” context then we used to after this, where she would  tell me that I just had to ignore racism and rise above it, which is really what everyone from my school teachers and friends were telling me to do. Of course nobody could realize that along with getting a suspension this whole event led me to get used to supressing my reactions to racism rather than facing up to them, taking responsibility and dealing with them effectively.

So growing up in this world I obviously had no teacher to show me how I could teach myself to investigate and release thoughts, feelings and emotions about racism because clearly capitalist education systems are not set up in a way to teach children the fundamentals of the operation of the mind and self-development. So I just bottled everything up which then began to manifest in one way through my teenage years by getting involved in crime, where I would purposely burst my judgements of myself and others onto existence. 

So I can see that this footballing racism event was one catalyst point in my life regarding racism reactions which have come up again recently while I was watching videos on YouTube that I mentioned in my last blog.

I realize that while racism is completely unacceptable, that it is equally completely unacceptable for me to be unstable when faced with the point of racism directly or indirectly being around me, as blaming/attacking racist people inevitably leads to war as the self-entrenchment as ego which is of no benefit to anybody. And clearly my life has also shown me that supressing reactions to racism is not acceptable either, as that leads to the supressed emotions coming out in other avenues in our lives which will inevitably result in self-abuse and the abuse of others as is the basis.

I take self-responsibility for myself, to re-create my starting point in relation to racism, where I am stable here as breathe through disciplined self-corrective application when I am faced with racism again, not allowing myself to go into and exist as the pre-programmed mind, blaming others for my reactions and/or supressing reactions.

Join me in my next blog as I walk specific self-forgiveness and self-corrective re-scripting of myself to end all racism reactions in my world and my reality which is best for all.