Day 472: Are you sure you're never Jealous?

Someone came back into my life this past weekend, this is a person that has been a close friend of mine and one of the longest standing in the flesh who completely disappeared from my life about a year ago. After a while I thought "our paths may not cross again in this lifetime" as I have seen these thought's come up so many times when somebody disappears from my life so to speak. It reminded me that we never know who, when and where a person from our past will reemerge back into our environment after a certain amount of time. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't but either way it is always of value to consider why someone we enjoy is not in our life anymore - to consider what I may have done to cause offence or inadvertently abuse them in someway I didn't see and to consider what this person reemerging could mean for me in terms of what learning is there that life is showing me or suggesting I face within this reemergence?

I had a myriad of reactions coming up that I had to keep checking - positive happy feelings to see him again, annoyance that he did not tell me at the time what the problem was, a blaming experience of betrayal where I felt in an over dramatized sense that he "left me on the front line to die" when I thought we were brothers till death type of thing, confusion at why he wanted to reach out now.

Then as we went through the night of going through mine, his and my partners mind constructs while relaxing/reminiscing at the end of the night more reactions came up such as this shock at how low my friend had sunken within himself through his own allowance, I had never seen him so full of doubt, diminished, self-sabotaging and it hurt at times to hear him speak like this, I experienced it as his wounds were my own where I had to stop tears of disappointment in him and disappointment in myself to call myself a friend yet let him slip so far into the depths of extreme depression. It was overwhelming at times and I could honestly write 10 blogs on these past few days alone.

Then at some point in the evening my friend started playing my partners piano which is incredible to hear because he can play classic Mozart, Beethoven and other pieces so well. Fascinating that I haven't seen him play in person for years and I remember a jealousy experience I had years ago towards how well he could play piano which was always an instrument I defined as beautiful and therefore apparently "not for me" The Beast lol.

I laughed in the moment at the triggered memory of the jealousy in the apparent comfort of "knowing I have already transcended this Jealousy emotion about his piano playing skills in the past" "I never get jealous nowadays" I said to myself as I don't experience the emotion often, yet in Self-Honesty I know I have seen Jealousy in myself still in moments, yet it never usually lasts as long or seem as deep as I had it suddenly come up in the past few days. Now interestingly as well my friend has mentioned Jealousy towards me in the past as well in terms of my physical strength and my confidence in communication with others, especially women. Then I had a Fear around how my friend reached out to me, in what manner he chose to do so and as I did Hannah started playing the piano with him and while it was beautiful to hear, I could also see how much my friend was enjoying playing with her and I had the fear that he is only coming back into my life, to try and assuage my partner away from me in someway.

I slowed down and breathed, smiled at them both playing, picked up my guitar and joined in, enjoying the beautiful sound and while my guitar additions were rhythmically in unison, my experience was not, I was discordant comparing/competing and getting jealous of the fact that my friend is making such a beautiful sound with my partner judging myself for not doing more activities with my partner. That fear of loss came up of what if I can't make music with her like that, will I lose her? Will she a prefer a man whose musical taste/skills can fit more easily to hers than mine etc etc.

My partner is soft spoken and so is my friend but there were little moments over the next day where I see my friend communicates even more gently with my partner in comparison to me and I have never had any man stay round our house for multiple days so I had to check myself. 

Ultimately any backchat/emotional experience of Jealousy in the conscious/subconscious mind is going to be based on/maintained by how I have gone and defined certain words in the depths of the mind, as well as comparison and self-judgment. Let's look at words like: Beautiful, Delicate, Strong, Confident, Attractive - you see how I was saying in my backchat/jealousy "Oh I'm never going to play piano as Beautifully as that, I'm a Beast" or how my friend many times has thought to himself "I will never be as Strong, Confident, Attractive as Marley" in his jealousy to me. You see how we are both fucking ourselves with that?

When these kind of words are spoken/something generally defined through that word comes up in our world we often immediately get activated where these images in our head regarding how I have defined words like beautiful, delicate as an example to be only related to certain external talents/fitting image that beautiful and delicate has to consist of things like attractive women like my partner, or great piano playing like my friend and I don't apparently meet the standards.

Then I see how my friend will compare his external physical appearance to my own and get jealousy come up based on my physical appearance looking closer to the images/pictures he has defined to be beautiful based on what he has seen in films, media, in society all his life as the idea of beauty which becomes a worsening focus overtime - the more we preoccupy ourselves with our external appearance, the more we focus on that in our external world meaning inevitable comparisons/jealousy/self-judgment/blame with those more in alignment to what society says is beautiful -

Yet I have done exactly the same point around Pianos and partnership activities, getting jealous of my friends piano talents, that he can be so delicate, that he looks more like the idea of a "Piano player" in the system/my mind which according to my idea is some "intelligent looking white guy" like my friend, not a mixed race guy like me, getting jealous/comparing how he can create such beautiful music with my partner, that I am too callous, assertive, shrewd, metal, bestial and direct to play piano like that.

Me and my friend spoke about this all at length over the past few days and did a few self-forgiveness statements together because what is crucial for me and my friend now is that we both correct the jealousy experiences we have had towards each other. When I am around people, watching a film, reading an article anywhere and a moment of comparison comes up I immediately stop, breathe, say a self-forgiveness statement to myself out loud, to change myself in the moment going from comparing external appearances/skills to seeing what I can Learn from another through observation, seeing realising and understanding that this is an individual living Human being expressing themselves through words/behaviour/clothing and nothing more - It is clear that the moment we start comparing in anyway, we stop seeing the person as life, as another as our self but rather start defining them as competition to fight with, using the person in self-interest to fuel our own fucked up problems with comparison and jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience Jealousy towards my friend playing piano beautifully and then playing beautifully with my partner.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to Truly understand the extent to which I have lived comparison, where I compare my appearance, skills, words - to pictures, memories, fantasies of what the global system deems in alignment with words like Beautiful, Delicate etc. Not seeing within this that I am accepting this global system to maintain as such and through my own limitation in allowance making Beautiful "Having to Have these traits" and seeing that I don't have all those traits so I reacted in Jealousy in a petulant manner for not meeting the "systems standards" in these ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand what dimensions of comparison/jealousy still exist in me, to not be clear on what type of person this shit creates, where I lost awareness through possession of/as the definitions of words like beautiful and delicate. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that whenever I am Jealous/Comparing/Self-Judging I am In this world and completely Of this world, where my Living impetus is merely keeping the Status Quo in place of Humans accepting themselves as limitation in energy/consciousness/mind - I have realised that it is always best for all when it comes to the pre-programmed mind/changing relationships/implementing living change to be In this world not Of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my friend wants to try and manipulate my partner away from me, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner will leave me to be with someone who she can make more music with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience jealousy based on comparing how my friend speaks to my partner as opposed to me without awareness, that how another speaks is not something I can change in my responsibility, yet remaining stable no matter what in any situation is my responsibility to change and live as the totality of Me as Life in Self-Honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a belief that a skilled pianist has to be a white and intelligent looking man or an attractive woman in complete separation from myself not seeing that a skill is just that, which is something anyone can integrate if they have the time, resources, vocabulary and will to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself for not "doing enough activities" with my partner based on me accepting comparing myself to the definition/belief society places on "happy couples" that are always doing loads of things together.  I realise me and my partner are walking in an agreement to support each other as the physical so this self-judgment is not in alignment with that, so I stop. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I would be a "better partner" if I could play piano with her, when in reality while it would likely be cool to start playing piano with my partner - the amount of and doing external activities with my partner is never the point it is who I am within it and making sure that I am supporting my partner physically, unconditionally in every way to be her best Self is more important than aligning every skill.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to end this possessive nature of comparison and jealousy within myself that I have created in my head through allowance of rigid limited definitions of words like beautiful, delicate as having to be connected to images/memories/fantasies/films based on certain external appearance/skills as Limitation.

I commit myself to when and as I see comparison coming up in my mind based on appearance and any jealousy emotions come up - I stop and breathe I do not allow myself to participate as I know that if I do I am preoccupying myself/maintaining limited things - rather I am committing to Self-Discovery to learn about and expand myself in this world as a Real Physical Being that can be trusted in Every way as a Living example of whats Best for All.

I commit myself to stop any Self-Judgment, to stop bullying/attacking myself  in thought as the Mind and to stabilise Here as Breath, to just anchor/hold myself as this Physical Body Here to be assertive yet gentle with myself as Life. 

I commit myself to living the realisation that whenever I participate in emotions like Jealousy/Comparison I only get myself worked up into a neuroses which only benefits my pre-programming/system of capitalism where I appease the emotion through spending money and time on things that do not matter in matter - Instead I direct my time/energy/focus on Self to becoming the Best version of myself overtime through measurable lived application.

I commit myself to show that the beauty industries in this world as they have been accepted and allowed to exist as accumulating separation can only have a consequence of accumulating separation unless we redefine what Beauty is Here as Life.