Day 465: Focus

Focus, interesting I have been telling myself this in the past few weeks then today when I got home the car parked in front of mine was a Ford Focus. Also there was this car advert I've noticed and laughed at in the past few days and to paraphrase it said something like - "we know you lose your focus and that's OK because we can focus for you"

Now the word Focus means - the center of interest or activity, the state or quality of having or producing clear visual definition, a physical grounding of attention. Now in terms of my own experience/living in relation to this word a lot comes up and in the world generally we see that being effective in anything be it birthing yourself as the physical, running a business, having an effective relationship, being an effective athlete, being an effective parent anything in life - one will without question require Focus.

Now when writing fast I like to look at words I misspell often and Focus is certainly one which when I rush always comes out as Foucs or Fucous which is interesting almost sounds like Fuck Us of Fuck Up showing me there is something Fucked in my Focus.

When I look at how the word Focus has been lived globally and in my world it clearly has been a fuck up. I notice all these moments in life where I do not bring the word Focus Here and instead say to myself I will Focus on that point later, I will have fun now as if they are separate. Or other moments where I start viewing focusing as something  Negative or Positive depending on the situation creating friction - where for instance in moments I will tell myself I'm being Focused now and I will do for example writing for hours or focus on one task for hours telling myself this is "good" Focus man I have spent so many hours on this! This will sometimes then become this possession point where I will take it to the extreme with tunnel vision ignoring other responsibilities in my world that need attention. 

Or in other moments I will say I don't want to Focus and will go into some form of purposeful Self-Distraction because I know in Self-Honesty that in order to Focus effectively I must be Here as Breath as Physical awareness to see what requires my Focus clearly in the first place and knowing that when I Focus I cannot fuck around in sporadic energy movement, I have to be disciplined and I don't want that in this moment because I'm a "fun wild child of life" so "I don't need to focus" I just "go with the flow" mainly etc. Interesting how the idea of you should relax sometimes can create/feed into the unnecessary disregarding of Focusing on things that Matter in Matter and instead focusing on things that don't Matter in Matter but only Matter to the Mind. So I can see in my process how  Focus has not been clear and has fucked me up many times through my allowance.

I see in all these moments where I will judge someone for not focusing, thinking "I can focus better than that" when I know that while I might be focusing more on the point that I'm judging the person for not focusing on - in Self-Honesty I know I'm also not focusing effectively on everything I need to in my life and the person is an easy target for Blame. Or in other moments I will congratulate someone for Focusing well while asking myself in this jealous/self sabotaging tone of thought like "Why am I not Focused like that?" this harsh self-judgment based on my knowledge and access to the Very Best Tools/Support that I know I know Better and should Do Better, yet this person is showing me a more Effective Living of the Doing Better Part.

In some moments mainly in relation to business, but sometimes in conversation with anyone whose word I respect I will Fear coming across as Unfocused - or in other situations I will Fear seeming too Focused and Serious based on this idea that if you Focus a lot that means you're learning and thus apparently not smiling or having Fun. I was so Unfocused in school as a child reflected in average results in most areas outside of Sports, Drama and English which were more natural aptitudes for me, and you know when you're defined as one of the cool kids at an all boys school it is apparently a strength to be Unfocused, unruly, loud, brash etc.

I can focus very Effectively on some things, like Driving, Training, Challenging peoples ideologies, more generalized writing, cooking  or the obvious money/sex for example. Yet other things like running my business, working hard to get money, my relationship, specific consistent focused writing, avoiding conflict, energy addictions, being disciplined with myself in all ways I see that my Focus is not always Effective.

Focus when I say the word Discipline comes up next which I define as Serious and Hard which my mind uses to justify avoiding Focus in all areas of my life. I remember this was my problem in martial arts growing up, because although I enjoyed martial arts I would never Focus on one specific form, which is why I ended up enjoying Mixed Martial Arts so much - I would spend a year or two in one type of martial arts gym then way before any level of mastery in that form I would switch to another type of martial arts. The eternal ronin warrior does not stay in one place and Focus on one point for long right, he has to Focus on his "Own" journey apparently lol.

In Childhood there was many moments where I saw adults not Focusing and being much more unstructured wild type of people. As I grew into Adulthood I noticed that everyone was just Focusing on winning for themselves while telling others they Care, which I then adopted in life of course where this becomes my Focused intention - disregarding all that do not "add to my focus" of Winning.

We see how in the world collectively in capitalism Humans Focus on the positive mainly even when many say they don't, which then gives positive results of course but actually enforces ignoring the reality of the Darkness of this world in the Hubris name of Self-Interest.We see in Religion and Spirituality this idea of focusing your intent on what you want, what is positive for you despite the horrific results is so pervading.

So there is a lot of mind systems, ideas, fears, polarities, characters in relation to the word Focus that comes up for me. Now in order to remove this shit and all dimensions of shit inside me I require to Completely Focus on specific points, Focus on the cause of the mess to pull the root out and embed more beneficial consequences for all life - 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I Fear focusing on everything I need to in Life to make the corrections I need to live what is best for all in all moments based in Self-Interest as various ideas that I have more fun when I am unfocused, people like me more, I can focus later instead of bringing the Focus here living it in all areas of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be Unfocused at times to have Fun now without realising that Fun is not separate from Focus, or to procrastinate Focusing on what I need in order to get the best results as the best version of Me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not realise in every here breath that every unclear word in us is exposed when we write and must Never be disregarded, it must be Focused on to clear the shit out of the word and put in a living into me that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in All Ways Focus on giving to myself as I would like to receive as anyone else which is to be acknowledged and treated in Equality and Oneness as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear and Love Focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity friction in relation to the word Focus where I shift in different moments from defining Focus as Positive or Negative - where I base "Positive" Focus on how many hours I spent on one point in incessant tunnel vision even if its irrelevant and other things require more Real Focus, switching to a "Negative" Focus as I apparently can't have Fun as a Wild Child of Life as I have defined myself as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that Effective Focus is not based in how many hours of tunnel visioned Focus on Selective tasks I Martyred myself with - it is based on seeing Clearly what I need to Focus on inside myself and in my environment/world that will manifest what's best allocating adequate time to each point, instead of getting obsessed by/disregarding certain points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Define myself as a wild child of Life, an Unbound Force in this world that requires no Focus apparently, because I'm busy "Riding the wave" of Life where I "go with the flow" while also jumping into exciting wild things along the way, having selective Focus, but never Truly Focusing on Being the very Best version of myself possible in All Ways because of Existing as Ego as Fearing letting go of this Wild child Self-Definition and getting to the Real Me as Life.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise in every here Breath that while it is true we must relax our physical at times, creating an idea of justifying procrastination through not Focusing effectively/focusing on things that don't Matter in Matter only in the Mind, is not best to allow in connection to Relaxation - I realise one can Relax and still Focus in Physical Reality once this Separation is Removed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Define Focus as Stressful, Hard, Not Fun, Serious - or spending many hours on One "All Important" Win, all of which are in no Dictionary next to the word Focus. Interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not Focus effectively at times when working through more complex systems of the Mind, where some of my writings will be generalized, not specific enough, not Focused in on the root causes, where without knowing the root intricately it is not possible to walk them Truly Out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that contrary to Beliefs I have Carried through life and what is Impulsed in Capitalism - Focusing Effectively is actually how you can achieve Real Fun, because when in my Mind Fun I do not focus on what is Best for All. Yet, when One Redefines and Focuses Effectively One will make sure that all points are considered Equally, creating a world where all are treated as I would like to be treated and thus can Smile and have Fun with me in Equality and Oneness as an Equal Money System.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not always be Honest with myself when I am criticizing/judging the Lack of Focus I see in another getting a kick out the conflict, is purely because I see my own limitations of Focus in this person which is a convenient Hypocritical conduit of Blame/Judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear taking responsibility for my own Focus in all moments and to instead judge/blame others lack of focus, instead of bring it back to Self Focusing on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be extensively disappointed with myself when I see someone Focusing Effectively, where I will congratulate them but be comparing/sabotaging myself in thought that based on my experience/tools I should be as effective as they are at Focusing, questioning if there is just something wrong with me, where I doubt I can Focus like this person is showing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Doubt that I can Focus Effectively and to go into Self-Sabotaging thoughts about this rather than just getting over it and fucking walking where I create Effective Focus as Me instead of seeing Focus as separate to Me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear coming across as Unfocused in some situations and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear coming across as Focused in others, yet both based in Self-Interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in Childhood due to being Unfocused at school and being a cool kid to justify it, is where I see I started defining Focusing as being connected to school education and thus not fun and too serious for my Focus, when actually Learning and Focus and Fun are Integral to each other when we have the right tools and support our self in the best ways slowing down as Breath, pulling apart the Real nuts and bolts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend too many years separating my focus in a self-interested selective way which has had selective self-interested consequences unsurprisingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise in every breath that despite my natural athleticism for martial arts generally, part of the reason I enjoy MMA so much is actually because somewhere in my mind it justifies that there is no single martial art form that should be Focused on, all are equal, therefore why Focus on any one thing in Life generally right. I mean yes all forms are equal as such, nobody deserves more attention than any other, yet this does not justify living separation as the word Focus/Unfocused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that seeing a lack of Focus and wild behaviour in many adults in childhood was the starting point of my fucked up layers/integration/living into adulthood of the word Focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from a young age Focus on winning ahead of anyone else in Life and to disregard those that do not Focus on my winning with me. I forgive myself that I have not realised in every breath that Humanities Focus on Winning is why a system of Haves and Have not's exist in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise in every Self-Honest moment that I must Focus on specificity within facing myself and Focus on Pulling the root out and Focus on creating Consequences that are Best for All.

I commit myself to living the realisation that Focus is needed to be effective in literally anything in life, therefore allowing separation in relation to this word makes no sense in anyway.

I commit myself to not Fearing Effective Focus or being Obsessed with martyred Focus where not everything is considered.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to Focus on things of Self-Interest that do not Matter in Matter.

I commit myself to embracing focus in every way.

I commit msyelf to living the realisation that Focus is not separate from Fun in anyway, but rather the contrary because Real Focus considers all and therefore creates an environment of Fun for All instead Fun for some which is what happens when you separate Fun from Focus.

I commit myself to accepting and allowing myself to acknowledge all limitations I have in relation to Foucs and to walk them all out no matter what.

I commit myself to show that Focus has been lived as Self-Interested intent of Winning in this world rather then in a way that supports each one to be able to Focus on being the best version of ourselves.