Day 352: Spite from the past and sadness

It's amazing how in life you can be living your life, unaware of how much someone from the past in your life actually dislikes you.

When one is living a day to day life of being unruly in teenage years you expect your actions to come back on you snapping at your heels, but it is when you are living a life trying to do whats best for all as I have been for some 10 or so years now and some people seem to dislike this reality.

Coupled with at times disliking other parts of who I am: My name, my race, my sales skill, my challenging of objections, my straight talking, my successes, my knowledge, my athleticism, my history whatever it is, those who hate some part of you are always liable to come back from the past to attempt to fuck up your life in the present.

This has happened to me most recently where certain people from the past have tried to present me to others in an incredibly bad light, creating false allegations to attempt to get me in trouble. This has already caused a major inconvenience to my life, with property being taken from me, where I am being isolated, where mine and others time is being wasted, where my mother and my friends are being put through unnecessary worry about me.

What I have noticed is the immense sadness that has befallen me this past week in relation to this, it's like a kind of loss of faith in humanity, a tiredness of being aggressively attacked by people, just because they don't like something i have said and/or have reacted to other parts of who i am.

This feeling like no matter what I do, no matter how much i want a world that's best for all life, I will always have an army of haters from the past all praying for my downfall, waiting for a chance to deceive others and fatally poison me to silence me forever.

The Bruce Lee and Brandon Lee story always hit me hard growing up as Bruce Lee was one of the first martial arts icons I had in my life. But it is well documented how Bruce would have demons from the past so to speak trying to harm him.

Ultimately this lead to him being taken from us all before his time and his son to follow in what has always been one of the more tragic celebrity stories ever, but it feels so relevant to me more and more as i get older - the more you shine, the more they will come hunting for you.

This heavy dark sadness I have been carrying this past week, I must let go of this because if I do not then the thoughts to just sit in a dark corner, listen to sad music and not move will prevail - as I cry as i write this, I know that I must steel myself, I must stand fast and just keep learning and implementing what's best for all life.

When I am gone I just want to know that I did everything I could to make something better here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the spite of others is always out of my control and can come back to try to hurt me at any moment in my life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that just because I know I have tried to help someone, it may not be taken that way by someone else, who can quickly transform into a serpent, another character you didn't know existed in that person a really aggressive and poisonous snake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise sometimes when i should stop trying to interact with and support someone when it becomes clearer and clearer that they do not care about me and will even try to hurt me - I must learn that when someone is reacting about some part of me, I cannot change that for them and so if they will not change I must disengage immediately.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react as and continue to carry an emotion of an immense sadness as a result of of these spiteful attacks from the past, where a desire emerges to want to just go to sleep and never wake up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to want to just lay down in a dark corner and just stay there, not interact with anything or anyone, because in this dark place I know I cannot be attacked by others - yet I realise that I cannot let these emotions dictate my life as it only keeps me in separation from physical reality imprisoned as the ego, which is a waste of life, so I breathe, stand up within this emotion and ground this energy with self-forgiveness and self-honesty so i can do what's best for all life which is making the most of my life. I can sleep when I die, we will all have our day so until then I do not let myself live in the graveyard mentally no matter how much hate is thrown at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise in every breath, that the way the human and the world works is based on free will and spite, where everyone wants to do things their "own way" make their own choice to follow what they want and not be equal with you, where everyone can abuse trust and spite you in an instant. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a criminal based on these spiteful attacks on me, when I know I am not and everyone who cares about me knows that too, it has taken many years of correcting myself to get to this point, I am proud of the man i have become and I would never throw away everything I have rebuilt myself as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that right now there is others out there laying in wait, annoyed about some part of me - loading up their guns of spite, so they can come and find me to fire their venomous shots at me, fabricating bullshit stories and looking to sabotage my life in whatever way they see fit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mother will get more sick as a result of the stress of knowing people are trying to hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother will not be able to communicate with me if she needs me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that some spiteful person from the past will try to hurt my family or one of my friends if they can't hurt me enough directly in their estimation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that some friends I have now, may decide to turn on me one day like these spiteful attackers from the past and so therefore I should not even try to make friends with people in the first place - I realise that this is my pre-programmed mind trying to defend itself, to try to control my life to isolate me from people, which will not assist me or anyone else in living what is best for all life, so I let this fear go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that someone may have fear towards me for reasons that make no sense to me, but if i had lived their life and had complied the character they have, then I would likely do the same as they are doing to me now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is the free will to spite others to experience power over others that has created the world we have today where rape, war and starvation are allowed to exist - so I I walk clear with no spite towards others, where I give to all life without conditions so i create a world as myself that I want to see, which is a world free of spite, a world free from the harming of life, a world where all life is uplifted to be the best they can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise initially that when one is attacked by others it is always a great learning experience to remind oneself that I cannot ever know how much someone has reacted, I cannot control what anyone else wants to do to me, I can only control how i conduct myself in day to living to live in self-honesty as equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes forget that there will always be others praying for your downfall when you are doing great things, yet I can never allow these people to destroy my focus of what i am doing here which is finding solutions to abuse and implementing them as myself to create a world that's best for all living beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to trust other people more, when in reality i realise trust is the issue, because once I have to give trust to someone this can always be used by that person to spite me and get an energy of power from that - I realise that real trust is developed through intimacy and unconditional caring with myself and another where the "free choice" to spite each other does not exist because there is only the physical support of each one to be the best version of each other.

I commit myself to not allowing these spiteful attacks to have dominion over my mind and my life, so as and when I see my mind having thoughts, feelings and emotions come up about a spiteful attack on me, I breathe I do not allow myself to interact with these reactions, because i know that in doing so will cause me to stagnate, to not move and to remain imprisoned as my pre-programmed mind where only fear and ego exists.

I commit myself to living the realisation that when you are an impactful person in life, when you are a glitch in the matrix to speak, there will always be someone else, some other agent of the system who wants to spite me.

I commit myself to showing that the world we live in today, this capilatis money system is designed on the free choice to spite those who cannot make enough money, the same way we humans have allowed ourselves to exist mentally here, where we spite those that do not give our ego the energy we want, just to gain power over them.

I commit myself to no matter what never give up until there's a world here where spite no longer exists, where instead of choosing what we want in self-interest, we choose and dedicate ourselves to a system that looks after everyone's needs where a real heaven on earth will manifest.