Day 349: The walls are closing in

Fascinating how our experience of ourself can change from place to place, you see for instance how we often may find ourselves more comfortable in one house, country or location then others.

Which really explains why we humans like moving houses, going on holiday etc, it's often to chase some kind of higher level of happiness. we feel that we will get somewhere else.

So I watched Alien 3 the other day and anyone who is familiar with the Alien films will know that Alien 3 is generally known to be the darkest and most claustrophobic of the Alien series so to speak.

This is due to Ripley being trapped in a new home which is a dark world, a small prison planet with no weapons to defend against the Alien.

I watched this film because it was the first film I ever saw that truly scared me as a kid, I remember being about 8 when I first saw it and later that night when I went to bed, I couldn't sleep easily, I felt like the walls were closing in, like I was stuck in one of the dark prison cells in the film waiting for the Alien to come and get me.

I also watched this film, because while I thought I never had fear of small spaces, recently I had a similar claustrophobic experience I had as a kid watching Alien 3 the first time - it came up recently with the new house I have moved to. It is my smallest amount of space I have had for a long time and I have noticed multiple times already where my mind sort of panics for a moment.

Where I might bump into something or trip on something because all my stuff is so tightly packed into a small space, then my mind reacts as an experience of  a moment of panic, like the "The walls are closing in".

Yet I forgave myself, I kept breathing and I'm adjusting more and more to less space then before -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in my mind to having less space then in my previous house, as an experience of the walls closing in, where the emotion of fear comes up that my world is literally collapsing in on itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having less space, to fear that my world is slowly collapsing in on itself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that this "walls closing in" experience is not really occurring, it is purely my pre-programmed mind exaggerating the situation of having less space projecting onto of reality - when in reality the walls are not actually closing in, I have a roof over my head, a life of dignity and I am breathing here exactly the same as my previous houses therefore there is no need for any difference of how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a prisoner on the prison planet in Alien 3, feeling like i'm trapped running out of time in an enclosing dark prison needing to escape, waiting for the enclosing walls of consequence in life to snuff me out the same as the Alien.

I forgive myself that I have to hold onto memories of a claustrophobic experience i had as a youngster watching Alien 3 the first time, which I have allowed to come up again recently - I see how when I breathe here as who I am really am as life, that no claustrophobia exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that I had no fear of being trapped in smaller places, when in reality this has come up recently, showing that my ego spews up this suppressed fear when it doesnt like something, in this case having less space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a free character and I can see within this how my pre-programmed mind connects freedom to space, where the ego feels more in power the more space I live in. I see how I party more and generally experience myself as stronger when I have more space which is  just a bullshit polarity fucking with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an unnecessary polarity within and as my mind, where I define more space as good and less space as bad. Yet in self-honesty I stand here as this breathe seeing the misconception, the illusion of this idea, the ego always wants more space, more everything in self-interest which the many royal castles around the world show - yet  self-honesty and common sense shows, I am here able bodied and fully physically functional regardless of how much space I have. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that I can be stable anywhere I have dignity which I have in my new house regardless of having less space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself to believe that it is more difficult to breathe when im in this smaller place, which in reality is bullshit  in my mind because I am able to breathe exactly the same as in any size of house.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise in every breath that having less space is actually a support for me right now, where my egos desire for space to match the idea of freedom is being exposed as not real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise in every breath that living what's best for all life is not dependent upon how nice my house is, or how much space I have because as long as I have a house of dignity, then I can live as a house of what's best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when I get distracted within my own closed mind, within my own enclosing self-interested wants - this very point is what has created a world where rape, war and starvation are allowed to go on in silence while we all try avoid walls enclosing in on us, endlessly looking for more space for our ego to run riot, turning a blind eye while life suffers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that when I give into and participate with my thoughts then the walls really do close in, where every time I allow thoughts to direct me, I am becoming weaker and weaker, becoming more and more entrapped and entrenched within and as the mind - yet when I stand here saying till here no further sticking to my self-honesty as this breathe of life, then the walls do not close in, in fact I then control the dimensions of the walls in my world, where I can design my house I live in and the house of what I allow inside me to be what's best for all life.

I commit myself to not allowing the walls to close in on me any further, so as and when I see my mind panicking, being uncomfortable, having some backchat come up, I stop and breathe, I realise the cycle I am trapped as - I stand, breathing and I continue to do so until there is no more thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to exposing the idea that if you have more space you have more freedom, because in reality no matter what living space you have - until we have a world where all are supported equally as life, then none are truly free.

I commit myself to breaking down any walls within and as me that hold me back from living what is best for all life.

I commit myself to living the realisation that the only walls that are closing in, are the walls of time running out for humanity to make a world that's best for all and I will never give up until I have created a world that I am proud of as what's best for all.