I have had a pattern of experiencing this in different situations through out my life, and while I have walked some corrections with this point before in the past, I see in certain situations still where i slip into this pre-programmed pattern of these same reactions and emotions.
I have carried this Alienation experience since I was a child, it is one of the long standing pre-programmed points within my make up that still require more direction - this belief that I am different, the alien within me that I have been carrying and what has been directing my decision making in many situations.
I see how certain events in my childhood contributed to this - all throughout school living in Bournemouth I was one of the few mixed race kids, all my best friends growing up were predominantly white, which in some situations is where you feel like the black sheep of the group, which develops like a chip on the shoulder experience continually.
I was the only one out of all my friends at school that had a mother that was always ill needing taking care of, and a grandfather who was more like my father then my real father and spoke about topics many people would call crazy, then a grandmother and father that I had never met - these factors fed into this Alien within me experience - feeling like none of my friends could understand how strange my family is.
Then within my family in terms of daily life with my mother or grandfather I was the only black sheep if that makes sense literally, then my grandfather for as many fascinating things he taught me about various kinds of Science, he did always have a lot to say about genetics, Nazi ideologies, Aliens and the strength of Aryan genetics, which again caused this internal judgement of myself, this idea that I cannot fit in because I have so much of a mix of genetics, then anger about this came in teenage years.
But he was never racist to me, because he would say I have the best of all genetics in me, but it was just that his incessant focus on genetics caused me to pay attention to race in a much closer almost paranoid way growing up, more perhaps then a young person really should.Then also literally my Grandfather would call me Mars as my nickname, Aliens/Space was always a huge topic he loved. He also loved Orchestra and I even remember when he first played the track Gustav Holst - Mars the Bringer of War it had profound impact on me because he would literally say "this is you Mars" every time he played it, it would get me fired up and feeling strong, but ultimately something from far away that destroys.
Then through the repetitions through the years I started defining myself through the planet Mars in a way, an Alien destroyer you could say, which I can see is also a contributing factor as to why I was always getting into trouble as a youngster - after my grandfather died I always wondered and had a fear if he intended to do that to me, like a form of programming that he was doing to me.
Just recently I had a situation at work and a situation in my personal life which showed me I am still carrying a lot of shit in regards to this Alien within me experience.
Fascinating that when I see these Alienation thoughts come up in the moment and then I breathe, use common sense and then direct myself to integrate into the group, into the situation regardless of the stupidity that may be occurring in this person or group of humans.
But from there I can plant seeds, within amongst the chaos of the human ego, where ignorance, self-interest and detachment from physical reality is constantly running the bio frame of the human and the parameters of the wider reality that we all share together.
What does the ego say when you feel separated from people? Thoughts like - this person, or these people don't understand me, its like we are from different planets, their stupidity is mind numbing, I am much smarter then this person or this group of people, why can they not just see things like me, judgement upon judgement etc, etc.
It is irrelevant where we come from, we all come from different places, we all have different genetics, ideologies and understandings of existence - yet ultimately we are all equal as life living on planet Earth together, so we must find a way to agree on this no matter what, because we are truly in this together until the end, so re-aligning my resonance to what is best for all continually has to be done, no matter how many times I fall I will build up my muscle memory through accumulating my stability as breathe in situations where the Alienantion thoughts come up.
Only limitation, friction, conflict and the individualism of self-interest can come from feeding into this Alienation, so it is completely unacceptable.
I will not tolerate this to continue, to stifle any form of interactions with other beings I have in this world, I will find a way to work with and direct the most difficult of beings and groups in existence to what is best for all, through living as an example in my daily application.
That is all I can ever do is bring everything back to self here, because from here I can create self-honest change as myself in every moment of breathe, when I am outside of myself as the pre-programmed mind I cannot do anything other then continue the enslavement of myself and everyone around me which is unacceptable.
I am responsible for what I experience in any moment, we all are and we cannot allow ourselves to be aliens to eachother -
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Alienate myself from a person or peoples around me, I realise that this Alienation experience is a pattern of behaviour that has existed for too long within and as me, and does not support me in living what is best for all life, so I must continue to walk here as breathe until this Alien experience is breathe by breathe pulled apart and dissolved into nothingness.
Join me next time as I continue to walk this point...
No comments:
Post a Comment