Day 247: Is it down to the muscle? Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I am an expert in something like building websites, when in actuality I am in the process of learning these skills yet I am not at the level of physical knowing, it is not down to the muscle, therefore I cannot proclaim or direct anyone from a solid platform.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments of breathe that if I have not learned something down to the muscle, then there is holes in my understanding, meaning I have not yet fully integrated and learned the information therefore my understanding of application of this information is not yet aligned, meaning that deceiving myself or anyone else that I am a master in the field makes no sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to deceive others that I am an expert in building websites, when in reality this is something I have been busy learning yet I cannot speak from a position of authoritative absoluteness.

I realise that I cannot cheat the physical, because when it comes to crunch time, ultimately I can only actually speak, act and direct with complete clarity that which I have learnt down to the muscle - my speaking has no stutters, no thinking involved when I am an expert in something, when I am not then speaking, acting and directing is very rigid and difficult.

I forgive myself that I have fallen into a pattern of trying to wow others with my knowledge of technology, which really is only serving to show my own personal insecurities as my ego clutches for some kind of affirmation from another, that I am this idea of myself that I'm imaging and projecting onto them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when someone brings up a conversation about technology, and without any consideration of what is happening in my mind, I can see when I look now that there is a shift that occurs, where this technology super-ego character steps forward and attempts to baffle this person with my amazing technological knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as this expert in anything to do with technology, when really this definition does not support me, it keeps me in separation from psychical reality and is really just my ego trying to hide the fact that it is not an expert in everything to do with technology and so this shit is clearly not real, so i must stop allowing my mind to fuck with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be an expert with regards to the internet for sometime, where its a fear that I developed in childhood that the world of technology is overtaking everything and that we must know everything about it or be destroyed by it. I realise that while it is true that we must learn about technology, the internet, websites etc, doing so from a  starting point of fear is not acceptable, because within fear there is rushing, there is misalignment, there is self--interest, there is no care. I realise that I cannot trick any area of my own learning, I only learn at the speed of my natural learning ability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a fear from childhood that if I do not try to learn everything about AI, the internet, technology and tell everyone else to do the same, then we will all be made obsolete -  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being obsolete, to fear being an outdated model, to always want to present myself as the "latest model" that I'm always up to date, in complete separation from the physical, because in reality there is only this one body that I am, I have flaws, I am an expert in some things and not others just like everyone else, and that is ok.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person every time I speak about some element of the world of the internet, websites and technology that I'm deceiving myself and others that I am an expert in. Yet I continue to do it anyway to maintain this illusion and to get the energy of "oh he knows what hes talking about on the internet" from other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy of holding, magnetising and gravitating peoples attention with such "profound statements" about the internet and websites and technology and the future etc, completely uncaring about if am actually an exert in the point im making or not, but still always speaking as if am an expert - if its online I know it apparently. I realise taht this addiction does not support me in living what is best for all life, it only taints my learning of anything, messes with my so I must take self-responsibility to stop this now, so that I can be clear about what I know and what I do not know, what is learnt to the muscle and what is not. 

I commit myself to not allowing myself  to speak with authority about anything to do with technology unless it is actually something I have direct memory access to the knowledge about and full

understanding of application with no holes. So as and when I see my mind reacting to a topic or question about technology, I must check myself immediately, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to participate with these thoughts, continue to breathe and only speak when I am clear, where there is no taint of the ambiguous, exaggerating, deceptive pre-programmed mind - I continue to breathe until there is no more thoughts that come up to pretend to be a master in something I am not.

I commit myself to living the realisation that I do not assist myself or anyone else in anyway by pretending to be a master in something that i am still learning, I realise that I am only equal to that which I truly know, therefore I can only assist myself and other people to reach our utmost potential if my knowledge within what I am speaking about is solid.

I commit myself to allowing myself to be vulnerable, to not expect myself to know everything about technology and then judging myself if I don't, or feeling embarrassed if don't at least pretend to know even when i don't - I realise that within getting comfortable not knowing something about web design, AI and technology in general, I build my humility and ability to build my knowledge step by step, from a starting point of self-honesty instead of fear.