Day 282: The Demon in the smoke Part 2

Smoke - a visible suspension of Carbon or other particles in air, typically from a burning substance. Also it is defined as the act of smoking tobacco.

Clear meanings, as with any word, yet its fascinating how in my mind the word smoking has been defined in a fragmented way in complete separation from myself.

smoking has meant a variety of things to me, as I have defined myself according to smoking for a long time - the act of smoking and creating smoke has been an addiction for me for sometime as this demon in the smoke character.

I want to push myself, to test myself - I must walk out this addiction to smoking, this pattern and character in separation from myself until there is no more addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to smoking throughout my life - I realise that as with any deeply ingrained addiction, this is something which needs to be done in order to live what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by smoking as this demon in the smoke character whereby when the thought comes up too smoke, I do not question it ever -  I literally glaze over and a few seconds later I am smoking a cigarette or some weed.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define smoking as having value to do when humans have done it for so long in our history - yet regardless of our acceptances of smoking, an acceptance of any form of addiction is not acceptable.

I forgive myself for judging someone who doesn't smoke as being scared of death and so isn't always worthy of my respect so to speak, or my mind looks down on someone who has never smoked in a way which is unacceptable and I see how this has affected particularly some relationships with certain women in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to struggle to go through the day without at least 5-10 cigarettes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to struggle to go a full day without smoking at least one cigarette or struggle to go one week without smoking at least one weed joint.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that by smoking weed only on weekends, that I am not sorting out this addiction but merely suppressing the root cause and filling in the weekdays with more cigarettes in place of weed.

I forgive myself for not realising that despite the fact that I have reduced that amount of weed I smoke to weekends, but I am still having thoughts to smoke more during the week, which I realise I have been suppressing and replacing with more cigarette smoke.

I forgive myself for suppressing my addiction to weed by increasing my addiction to smoking cigarettes, switching one for another which is not an effective solution to a smoking problem - So i take self-responsibility to stop this now. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the act of creating smoke and creating this "relief experience" in my lungs - yet I realise that in reality this relief experience is limited, it is essentially not real because the only truest way to relax myself, to be clear and stable here is through breathing - breathe is always here as me, this is my stabilisation point, where as rely on anything outside of myself to relax myself is self-enslavement.

I forgive myself for allowing ad accepting myself to believe that I need to smoke tobacco or weed to  relax myself, when n fact every time I push myself to stop smoking even for a few weeks, I see how I can relax myself with breathing here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that smoking straight after training is even more enjoyable then usual, which I realise that even if that is true, this point is just a justification my ego uses as another reason to always maintain myself as this "demon in the smoke".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my smoking habits through the enjoyment experience I have when I smoke after training, when this is an interactive experience with the physical here then that is cool, but an addiction justifying and controlling the actions.

I forgive myself for not breathing through moments of difficulty so that an addiction to smoking does not occur  and maintain itself - 

I forgive myself for allowing myself to define smoking as something cathartic, serious and spiritual so to speak, and because I define myself as cathartic, serious and spiritual, I deceive myself into thinking that smoking is a part of who I am, a "perfect match" in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for defining myself and smoking as something cathartic, serious and spiritual, I realise that these ideas of myself and smoking are not the reality, because the reality is I am here as this breathe regardless of any definitions in the mind that the ego imposes on myself and others around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the act of smoking because of believing that it keeps me in connection with beings from different realities - again limited, because In reality  am connected to all life in existence by default as this body, this breathe here, this sound of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a whole ritualised process and experience within smoking, whereby its like this concept of enhancing myself/making myself more in tune or something, when in reality these rituals are creating nothing intune but feeding into my addiction to smoking.

I forgive myself for experiencing myself as pumped up in a state of possession when I am smoking, as this concept that I am "more comfortable" when I smoke, that I'm kind of breathing underwater, which is clearly not true.

I forgive myself for believing that I have more "original thoughts" when I am smoking, which again even if it were true is still limitation, because in reality it is my own process of learning and expressing myself where true creativity drives - If i and using a tool like smoking to be more creative then really im just fucking myself within a  co-dependency, a self-enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am cooler, more attractive and tougher looking when I smoke - I realise that my ego is showing its insecurity of not feeling, col attractive and tough enough, so "needing" smoking to facilitate and vampire the energy of these feelings.

I forgive myself for wanting to project/look cooler, tougher and more attractive - yet I understand and realise that this is just my ego fucking with me, because who I am as life as this breathe does not need to project itself as anything, because as this breathe I can apply common sense where I am always comfortable and stable as who I am.

I forgive myself that when I go longer then a few days without smoking, that I become shorter tempered, my mind starts having racing thoughts, I start to sweat more and a charged emotion starts to build up in me, where my mind literally feels like it gets possessed and grabs me and demands me to get something to smoke.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to avoid these uncomfortable emotions when I am not smoking, by just allowing myself to be controlled, by the thoughts to smoke, repeating the memories over and over again - each time that I do I ingrain the addiction to smoking further.

I forgive myself for defining smoking as something cynical people do and then defining myself as cynical, creating a "perfect match" in my mind, I see how this feeds into the addiction to smoking, when in reality smoking s something that anybody can do, you do not have to be cynical, and while it can make sense to be cynical at times in life, it is not a pre-requisite of being a smoker and the same vice versa.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto memories in my mind of my mother and her friends cool friends always smoking growing up and wanting to be like them hence I saw being an adult that can smoke as a desirable thing which is where this addiction was first seeded.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a "cool smoking adult" at a young age, because now I actually am an adult smoking, I see that there is actually nothing especially cool about smoking in anyway.

I forgive myself for defining my mum and her friends as cool in my mind for smoking, it was like a magic trick watching them create and play with the smoke, like making smoke rings for example - I couldn't wait till I could start smoking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my mother and her friends as rebels for smoking, and because the music they listened often spoke about being a rebel, then again it added mre value in my mind to being a rebel in someway.

I forgive myself for holding onto the rebellious thoughts I had as 12 year old smoking in between classes with my mates to feel cool and rebellious like my mum and her friends.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to last more then 3 months without smoking since I was about 12.

I forgive myself for feeding into the justification as I have gotten older that because I have more things to look after, that i essentially "need smoking" as stress relief when actually there is nothing that can justify any addiction to anything - because all addictions are just a sign of self-enslavement.

I forgive myself for defining myself as not being scared of death, and because smoking is defined by society according to death - therefore I deceive myself within the whole "perfect match" thing again, when in reality I can be scared of dying, everyone can be and no matter what society says there are many things that can kill quicker then smoking, like a gun for instance. So I forgive myself for believing that I cannot be scared of dying, for feeding into societies stigmatisation of smoking being connected to death, and creating an illusionary connection between me and smoking in relation to death.

I forgive myself for holding onto memories of my granddad and Bernard both saying that smoking isn't so bad at times in my life, and giving solid reasons why, but again I see how my ego has been holding onto these  memories as justification points for my addiction to smoking which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create a false sense of security in my mind, because I can still out work a lot of training partners, so my ego struggles to see the issue with smoking - when I realise that the effect smoking does or doesn't have on me is essentially irrelevant, because within and as addiction the mind always comes up with ways to create an idea that "it doesn't effect me" as a justification to continue.

I forgive myself for not noticing in every breathe that while I am naturally athletically gifted, that when I am honest with myself it is clear that my breathing capacity, catching my second wind in training is more difficult then it used to be, as a result of being addicted to smoking for so long.

I forgive myself for ignoring the fact that my ability to catch a deep breathe has worsened through the years and that there is a rough scratchiness in my throat and chest which is there most of the time.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to use the knowledge that because smoking is not the worst cancer killer, as a reason to disregard the effects that smoking genuinely has on the heart/circulatory system and on general lung capacity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my addiction to smoking to effect business relations with a business partner recently - yet within this I saw support as a motivator to start walking a process of stopping smoking.

I forgive myself for not realising that when I successfully remove my addiction to smoking, then it will completely change so whenever I smoke again in the future, it will be a point of physical interaction here for  moment, not an addiction.

I commit myself to no matter how many times i fall, to find a way to complete a long period at least a year without smoking anything, as I see that the addiction to smoking is only becoming further ingrained through the years causing issues in my body and issues in my business relations recently.

I commit myself to living the realisation that I am not defined through smoke, no matter what my ego tries to tell me, I am simply life here as this breathe and when I walk as this breathe in self-honesty in every moment then I am actually living whats best for all in all moments.

I commit myself to not allowing my mind to participate with thoughts that  justify my addiction to smoking. So as and when I see my mind having thoughts that justify smoking feeding into my addiction, I sop and breathe, I do not allow myself to become these thoughts, no matter how painful, I breathe until the justification thoughts do not come up anymore.

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