Day 236: Should I stay or should I go? The dangers of Indecision Part 2

So continuing for my last blog, I cannot allow any patterns of indecision to persist in my life, because these patterns are not supporting me in living what is best for all in self-honesty -

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a pattern of indecision with regards to certain events that have happened in my life recently. I realise that this indecision is not assisting me in anyway, as it is simply causing consequences of inconsistency within and as me, where I doubt my ability to make the right decision, where I fear the consequences of the wrong decision, where I procrastinate and waste many breathes as a bubble of indecisive thoughts in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every breathe that these cascade of indecisive thoughts are happening because I am reacting to certain people/events and interactions in my life currently. So obviously I must go back in time and look at the starting point of these reactions to unravel this shit and create myself as stability here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to two different female friends that I spend time with, whereby I am uncertain about which woman i like more, comparing the two women, also holding onto memories of having a similar situation years ago with two other women and fearing that situation repeating.  

So within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as comparison, where there is a constant chatter in my mind of what "this person would do" and what "that other person would do", keeping me in complete separation of myself here. I realise that this comparison is not supportive, because I am essentially creating two unnecessary conflicting forces in my mind, judging these people according to what I define as better or worse, instead of just accepting both women as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge these women in my mind according to every decision they make creating a competition of energy in my mind. I take self-responsibility to instead begin to accumulate breathe in these moments where the thoughts come up, I cannot allow myself to engage these judgemental competitive thoughts. When I stick to breathing consistently in these situations, i am able to apply common sense to see what is the most practical to do and then do it.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto memories of a past experience years ago where again I was interacting with two women playing this exact same game in my mind, and ultimately through my pattern of indecision with regards to either woman, I ended up frustrating both women, and in the end neither woman wanted to be around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear these memories repeating again in my life, to fear making the wrong the decision, doubting my ability to make the best decision, making my indecision constant, and i realise that these fears freeze me to make beneficial action, it causes me to shell up inside myself trying to avoid any decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to these memories, where I believe that I will "inevitably" repeat the mistakes of the past and be left with a worse option, or neither option - I realise that this definition keeps in separation from physical reality as who I really am as life, so will remove this self-definition that I have created through a process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a pattern indecision with regards going to see my grandmother in her last moments of life or not.

However, since I wrote the first part of this blog my grandmother died, so her body made the decision for me you could say, which is always what happens when you leave a decision too long, the physical will move and decide for you so to speak.

Yet within this even though I have never liked my grandmother for stealing family money and avoiding me her whole life, I have experienced some intense sadness about her death - mainly because we both lived our lives not assisting each other even for a moment, that we will never have the chance to reconcile in this life time, it was never destined to be.

All I can do is make sure I release the reactions I have held onto with regards to her all my life, while in my mind I have believed I was right to dislike her all my life, I see now that this dislike has never supported me at all -

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my grandmother for stealing family money from my grandfather and for avoiding me her whole life. I realise that she had her reasons, she was a uniquely cold character because f her connection to queen Elizabeth and government work that required one to be harsh, cold and looking after yourself first. I realise that if i was in her shoes, living the life she had I likely would have done the exact same things she did no matter what my ego says to disagree with this.

In a way she actually assisted to make me a stronger character, because all the reactions I had towards her growing up, would only force me eventually to have to correct these reactions expanding myself in the process. Also while I am great in a team working with others, I can still drop all assistance if required, where I never like to look at someone as a crutch for myself, which again is something my grandmother taught me without knowing it.

So I forgive myself for not realising that while my grandmother never made an effort to support me while she was here, she did still teach me some valuable life lessons without even knowing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a pattern of indecision with regards to completing a large business deal, because I realise that this indecision is not supporting me in living what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not realising in every moment that I can only ever influence a persons decision making process, but i cannot control it whether I pressure them or not. So I realise that being uncertain about whether to push or pull is irrelevant because ultimately they will make their own decision and I will be an influential factor in that either way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the clients pulling out of the deal based on my pushing or pulling too much - I realise that I cannot control that because everyone defines and deals with pressure in different ways, so this fear is pointless and ultimately when I focus on breathing, I can apply common sense to my actions, where I simply keep it practical, not over extending either way, because when I apply common sense it is obvious when I am pressuring someone too much or not enough.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to waste unnecessary time through being caught in this pattern of indecisiveness with my clients on this deal -  the work has been done, so I just need to focus on breathing, being honest with myself where I do not allow myself to get stuck in this indecision going back and forth in my mind of possibilities.  
   
I forgive myself for not realising in every moment that any time I am not being decisive, I am literally wasting time, of course there must be a deliberation process in anything, but that can be calculated in a reasonable time with common sense, and practical planning, not days, weeks, and months of indecision.

I forgive myself for holding onto memories of being indecisive when I was very young, with things like sweets, cartoons, toys, food - then through the years I have added more layers to this pattern of indecision, where it has become automatic to be indecisive when certain decisions must be made. I realise that then just as now this indecision has never assisted me, it only prolongs the inevitable decision and keeps me in a state of separation as the pre-programmed mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself within and as this indecision, where I expect that based on past experiences I will make a wrong decision, or even if I make the right decision I could still find a way of messing it up. This self-doubt does not assist me in anyway, it does not empower me, or improve me at all, it simply limits me, so yeah no need to doubt myself anymore.

I am decisive about many things in my life, so it makes no sense to be indecisive about certain areas, so i will walk until I  have removed all patterns of indecision from my life.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist as a pattern of indecision in relation to certain events, people, scenarios - instead as and when any thoughts of indecision arise, I stop and breathe I do not allow myself to participate with these thoughts as I know the consequence will simply be the prolonging of this pattern and the cycle playing out again where I miss a decision through being so indecisive.

I continue to breathe in these situations where I keep myself here as life as this body, where I then am able to apply common sense, to make the most practical decision in any scenario which is always the most beneficial regardless of outcome of the decision. Eventually through this process of self-corrective application of breathing in these moments, eventually there will be no more indecisive thoughts that come up in my life.

I commit myself to living the realisation that I cannot control the consequences of my decision, so it makes no sense fearing this, I can only make sure that I make decisions based on what is best for all life in this physical reality, not on pre-programmed thoughts, feelings and emotions where only self-interest is the decision maker.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to doubt myself when a difficult decision is brought before me, so as and when i see my mind reacting to a decision having thoughts based in self-doubt, i stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage these thoughts, I simply continue to breathe until eventually there is not self-doubt that will exist in my decision making processes in life.