Fuck "buddies"

This is something which I have a lot of experience of, as do alot of people in the world, which in my self-investigation has come from a fear that has developed since the end of my last relationship. A fear in my mind that if I am to have another relationship, then there will be arguments, jealousy, anger and general emotion possessions that will come up which I fear to face. Fearing change, fearing myself, fearing that I will compromise myself to keep the other person happy if I have a relationship with them, where even If I see the partner blatantly allowing abuse as long as I have sex as a reward for keeping the partner happy, then I will say nothing, where a slave-master situation exists. So in my mind this is used as an excuse as to why I’m only looking for sex from a potential partner. So in my backchat whenever I meet and get to know a potential partner, this fear of relationship personality initiates, and all the thoughts focus around just having a “friendship” with the person that I can talk to, and have sex with, without having to deal with and face the other “difficult” parts of relationships that come up.

It’s like in my mind just desiring to have the “best parts” of my last relationship, which I considered to be “deep” discussions and sex. So there’s a fear of being intimate, with another accepting myself and another fully, developing a relationship that is actually stable, supportive and thus would have longevity. Also there’s a fear that if I am to get into a relationship with another, then I will just be wanting to be with a “better partner” in my mind, so I have been believing that I will not be satisfied in a relationship, and will thus go out to have sex with someone else because I am not trusting myself fully. So this defence mechanism engages around a potential partner, where backchat starts coming up like “don’t have a relationship with this person Marley, you will probably cheat on her, or she will cheat on you so don’t bother having a relationship, just have sex”.  

So a few days ago I was sitting in my room after finishing work, and I started experiencing thoughts based in boredom, and as always whenever I experience boredom within and as me, there is a domino effect where after the boredom, then I immediately start getting thoughts about sex come up.  

And because I didn’t stand as these thoughts equal and one here as they came up, taking self-responsibility releasing the thoughts through self-forgiveness/breathing, the thoughts started to charge, and I instead allowed myself to be controlled by these thoughts, where I shifted into this “fuck buddy” personality. 

Then I texted a female friend purely wanting to fulfil this built up desire for sex as this “fuck buddy” personality I was accepting and allowing myself to be. This female told me she was out drinking, and then she asked me to pick her up, so I picked her up knowing that this person was completely drunk and thus it would be easy to have sex. 

So we went back to her place, where we sat and chatted for a while, but during the whole time, it was like I couldn’t even hear what she was saying here, because all I was thinking about was sex. Then we got into a heated debate about politics as the energy was accumulating within myself in the conversation, which eventually resulted in me and this female having sex. 

Immediately after the sex though, there was immediate backchat to leave, because the sex here was not a physical expression, it was purely mind sex from the starting point of building energy to attain the orgasm. So I put my clothes on said goodbye and as I left she said to me she wants to see me again soon, which I agreed to. 

However as I was walking downstairs I realised the self-deception within myself that I have been allowing within this fuck buddy relationship.  Because it occurred to me that if we didn’t have sex with each other, then there would be no friendship of any kind, which revealed to me that every fuck buddy I have would not be my buddy if we didn’t fuck, because the friendship is not real. It is purely based on charging the sex system within and as me through the orgasm, which just furthers my starting point of separation. 

So I can see how I am limiting myself within this point of only wanting fuck buddies, placing value in my mind on fucking believing it to be “better” and “safer” then having a relationship, which is not true and is not supportive within walking a process of self-honesty, because as I have revealed the fuck buddy is purely to charge my programming as the sex system in separation of myself as something more than me here. 

When in fact if I am saying I am less than this sex system I have created and built up as myself, then I am a slave to this sex system, and thus unable to change what I am allowing. However a self-supportive relationship could be developed, if I can come to terms with and correct my self-created separation of myself in relation to sex and relationships, because while my focus is on attaining mind sex from a potential partner, then it is best for all for me to not have fuck buddies or  a relationship until I stand as self-trust as myself, where I am actually able to support myself unconditionally physically here as another – I am not willing to accept my limitations, and so I walk investigating, forgiving, re-scripting myself within and as breath until here no further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a relationship again, because of believing and fearing that I will become emotionally possessed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming emotionally possessed within a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as a justification as to why I only want to have sex with a potential partner, rather than develop a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only desire to have a a fuck buddy instead of a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not realised until now that by engaging in fuck buddy relationships, that I am in fact only furthering my starting point of separation through charging the sex system existing within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not realised and understood that by allowing myself to be controlled by my back chat in relation to desiring sex, that I am actually saying I am less then these thoughts enslaved to these thoughts, as if I cannot stop participation, when in fact I can.  

I forgive myself that I have not realised that within fearing relationships, I am actually saying that I fear myself as another, and thus will see myself as separate from another according to my programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being controlled by my partner in a relationship, and thus justifying in my mind why I am only searching for fuck buddies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify why I look for fuck buddies, because of having no attachments, and fearing being controlled by another in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind that any serious relationship I attempt to develop with a female will only fail and end in abuse before I am actually experiencing this relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not realised until now that within believing that any relationship I attempt to have with a female will fail, I am actually disempowering myself, feeding my programming through agreeing with it, and within that no change that’s best for all is possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as this disempowerment in relation to sex and relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and protect myself from being emotionally hurt by a female, by only looking for sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I become this “search for fuck buddy” personality that it is the woman’s fault why I become this personality, and that it is a justified defence mechanism within my mind to avoid being hurt or hurting another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame someone else for what I am experiencing inside instead of taking responsibility for myself, standing as the directive principle of equality and oneness through breathe.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take full responsibility for all reactions related to sex and relationships that come up in my days, because any reaction is  in fact always self-created and manifested physically within participation with pre-programming by self and self alone, which I realise in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid having to deal with “difficult” parts of a relationship, and to within that define myself as a person that will still find a way to avoid whatever my mind deems as difficult, which is to avoid what is here, which is separation which must be stopped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the physical, by becoming an entity personality possession looking for only sex when I am around a potential partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sex was the only part of my last relationship that is worth looking for again, and to within that believe that sex always has the highest value over anything else in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value on sex as “most important” when there is in fact nothing that is more important than anything else within a relationship, it is all equally here because within equality nothing has more value, all is equal in fact.

I forgive myself that I have not realised until now that all sexual intercourse I am engaging in with having fuck buddies is all based in the mind, in stimulating myself according to pictures, replaying memories, and the orgasm energy, enforcing my programming, instead of actual physical expression here within and as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the mind sex I have defined myself within and as, when in fact this mind sex is not really me as who I really am as life, it is only programming existing in my head, that I have accepted myself to be and thus it is equal as me, but which is only coming to fruition with my allowance of myself to participate with this programming instead of seeing the deception and changing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself physically here within and as real sex, because I have never done it before, every sexual experience I have had with a female thus far has been purely sex based in pre-programming which I can change by changing myself.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being intimate with another in a relationship, which is just saying I am still not fully intimate with myself, or trusting myself in anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to and believe that if I have a relationship, I will only be desiring to have a different partner, so I should not have a relationship, and this I justify in my mind why I only want a fuck buddy. Which even if it is true, I am already designing it within believing it before I am there, which disempowers me to change, when in fact I am the designer of myself within every here breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for satisfaction from another within relationships or sexual encounters, where I compromise myself by believing that it is always the other person that must satisfy me, without realising that satisfaction is always here within and as every breathe, it is not something to be attained from someone else.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must “protect” myself when I am around a potential partner through becoming a fuck buddy personality, so I don’t have to face and change myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the sex system within and as me through feeding into and becoming this personality in my mind of only seeking for sex to charge my sex system within and as me, instead of realising my own limitation, and directing this sex system I have accepted and allowed myself to become equal and one within and as self-corrective application.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience boredom when I’m sitting in my room after work, with what I perceive in my mind as having “nothing to do”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and define myself according to a want for sex to “fill in” what I perceive in my mind as a void of boredom that I experience myself as sometimes after work when I’m sat in my room.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that within allowing myself to be controlled by thought to go and have sex with a fuck buddy, then I am in fact saying that I am less then these thoughts as if I cannot take self-responsibility, when I in fact can.

 I forgive myself that I have not taken self-responsibility for myself immediately when bored/sexual thoughts come up, by breathing and remaining here physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sex from the starting point of creating energy, first in conversation with a fuck buddy having a heated debate, then building into mind sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from facing and correcting my limitations within sex through fuelling the system within having fuck buddies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as mind sex, where I believe in my mind that I cannot enjoy sex unless I have it in certain ways according to memory, and what I have placed value on according to my programming. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot enjoy sex unless it is in certain ways based on how I have allowed my programming to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that by entertaining and charging my sex system programming within and as me by having a fuck buddy, that I am just enforcing my programming, strengthening the idea that I “must have it” in certain ways to enjoy sex, fuelling my starting point of separation, where change is not possible.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that every “fuck buddy” I have is not an actually a real friendship at all, and if we could not entertain our sex systems with each other, then we wouldn’t even be “friends” revealing that the “friendship” is completely conditional and based in separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my fuck buddies will think if I stop communicating with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no fuck buddies, because of fearing having to face my limitations within sex.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to go without fuck buddies because of fearing what they will think If I stop contacting them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak for feeding into my sex system within having fuck buddies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger at myself for not correcting my limitations within sex. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I will be able to change my limitations within sex as self-doubt, where I then justify feeding my sex system through having fuck buddies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as this fear, judgement, anger, and doubt, within which there is no opportunity to change, because I am not allowing the possibility of change because of fearing what other think, judging myself, being angry with myself and doubting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face and accept all parts of my programming unconditionally here, so that I am able to empower myself to change, instead of supressing sex limitations, and entertaining them with fuck buddies.  

   

I forgive myself that I have allowed this point of entertaining my sex system to accumulate, instead of standing as the directive principle of equality and oneness, within and as breathe dealing with the points as they come up here as myself.